fibromyalgia

Everything comes back to you

Yesterday we had a great but active day. Today my body is reminding me that everything I do has a price to pay. The picture is from yesterday, it was a gorgeous but chilly day. Too cold for getting in the water.

Most of the time I try not to dwell on my symptoms and pain since that doesn’t do a darn thing to improve them. If someone asks what’s wrong I usually say things like, “it’s a bad pain day”, “I don’t feel good”, “Everything hurts”, etc. I don’t specify because honestly that would take a long time to list most of the time and I don’t want to think too much about it since it makes it more upfront in my brain. I figured since I don’t seem to be able to accomplish much today that I would write about what it feels like a bit for anyone that’s curious.

It’s funny how familiar you can be with your bones, organs, tendons, etc when you can feel them so acutely. I try to keep a majority of the pain and other crap pushed to the back of my mind but it’s always there. It’s like breathing. There is not one moment that I’m not in some kind of pain or discomfort. There is so much that overlaps though that I have to close me eyes and think about each part individually to sort it out. If I were to be in a car accident and an EMT were to ask where does it hurt, that would be a very complicated question. I would probably need a moment to sort out what is what, unless a limb was hanging off or something.

Across my sides, ribs, upper back, and lower back feels like I have been beaten, caning maybe. Sore, achey, very tender to the touch. I can distinctly feel the muscles that are around my shoulder blades since they’re groaning. My hips feel as if they were out of socket, put back into socket with a couple of nerves and tendons stuck in the way so movement feels like they aren’t in right and are squeezing, pinching, and screaming. I look around 98 years old walking because each step hurts in my back, hips, and feet. My calves feel like I ran a marathon.

My chest is also tender to the touch, as if I’m bruised all over. As my elbows touched my sides as I’m typing I realize they’re quite sore. Imagine if you used your elbow to bash a hole in the wall, the resulting “tenderness” is what I feel. I can feel each bone in my fingers because they all ache. Movement is like dry wood. I can feel the tendons being pulled like they’re stretching too far as I move my fingers.

When I’m in pain I tend to clench my teeth a lot subconsciously. That, of course, then makes my teeth, jaw, cheekbones, and muscles in my face ache. Apparently a few days ago I must have been clenching extra hard as the right side of my face feels like I ticked off Mike Tyson. It’s not as bad today at least but for the last couple of days eating has been difficult. Chewing is painful and feels as if my jaw isn’t aligned properly and my teeth aren’t meeting correctly. I have been constantly saying to myself relax your face, relax your face!

I have spent a lot of time today simply trying not to vomit. That’s always fun. My stomach is not only nauseous but aches something terrible and is bloated. If you read my post about why I hate mornings you already know some of the lovely things I go through daily, today upped it a notch or so. I have to say though I’m still just grateful I haven’t puked, that’s pretty much the thing I hate to do the most in the world.

I need to work but I haven’t been able to yet today. I leak tears off and on, pretty much without my permission, it’s just some of the pain leaking out. When I have days like this or worse I try to be kind and patient with myself but it’s tough. Sometimes there’s that voice saying you’re such a loser, get your butt up and get something done, you’re lazy, you’re a bad mom, you’re a bad wife, why didn’t you make dinner, why isn’t the house always spotless. I really hate that voice because she’s such a snotty, little bitch and she’s just not fair. Sometimes I give her chocolate and she shuts up at least. Instead I celebrate the small victories. I brushed my teeth. I put a load of clothes in the washer. I ate a meal today. I didn’t throw up. I didn’t have to go anywhere anyway. The days when I can barely get out of bed just to go to the bathroom it’s harder. I have to think of my blessings then. I have my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my parents and the rest of my family. Not many are close by but they’re in my life regardless.

Baby steps when you can’t take big ones, crawl when you can’t walk, let someone hold you when you need it. Keep on keepin’ on.

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2 thoughts on “Everything comes back to you

  1. Did I know you were blogging? If I heard, it didn’t sink in. This is good … in a horrible way. I hurt for you, Becky.

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    1. I shared the links for the posts on Facebook when they were published but few and far between. I’m pretty sporadic about it, maybe one day I’ll be better about writing more often. Thanks so much for reading, commenting, and for your empathy. I think of you when I write them actually because of yours that I loved so much back in the day lol

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